The best designed User Interface in the world

Once upon a time. the babies of the world complained to God, about a poorly designed user interface. The breast. God decided to hand the job over to human user interface designers, to see what they could come up with…

And so, human designers started on the job. After extensive research and development, the following results were acquired.

Apple

Apple was the first to release a breast that was stable and usable. Critics agreed that it looked great too.

As LOOG NEWS reported: “Following on from the successful marketing of mp3 players (iPod) and Personal Computers (iBook, iMac) … Only Apple could take an ordinary breast, and make it sexy!”

It was marketed as iBreast, and worked best with a baby that was suitably equipped with its companion product: iSuck.

Apple had a primary focus on simplicity, and usability. Therefore, they incorporated three groundbreaking elements into their design. Firstly, Apple argued that two breasts were much too confusing for the users; so instead, they adopted a single breast approach. Despite the unorthodox look, babies were much less confused as to what was going on.

Secondly, they incorporated a clickable scroll-wheel, to control the flow of milk to the baby. This was located around the periphery of the nipple, and ensured that the flow of milk was just right.

Thirdly, Apple incorporated maximize and minimize buttons into their design. Competitors argued that this was merely for eye-candy, and that it had no actual benefits to the baby. Apple argued that babies no longer needed to wait for fresh supplies of milk, with the much increased size capacity.

This particular function was popular, for a variety of reasons.

As an added bonus, the baby was given a complimentary pair of white earphones, from which to listen to soothing classical music as they were fed.
Babies reported increased levels of intelligence, and also enjoyed the extra social status afforded by the white earphones.

Unfortunately, iBreast models were only produced in white – which some 'ethnic minority' mothers complained about. It was not long before 3rd parties began to make plastic covers; unfortunately, these were often uncomfortable and inconvenient to use.

Despite the design flair, high prices cut a significant portion of the market. In the end, musicians & creative professionals became the main users of Apple iBreast.

God thought that iBreast was the best designed breast of the bunch. Unfortunately, few people these days are able to accept a good thing when they see it.

(p) MS Woman XP

Soon after the UI design challenge was issued by God, it became apparent that Bill Gates was in fact the devil. Therefore, he never played ball. Instead, (p)MS spent 100 Trillion dollars developing Woman XP. Woman XP was designed to include an advanced breast management system, as well as a complete suite of productivity tools.

Woman XP was initially greeted with enthusiasm.

The hugely marketed features included:
-A fully skinable UI
-PlugNPlay network connectivity
-Support for large harddrive’s

Anyway, mere days after Woman XP was released, many problems arose.

Every morning, Woman XP would greet her housemates with "what do you want to do today?". The housemates would offer a range of activities … ALL of which inevitably led Woman XP to crash, sobbing on the floor uncontrollably.

The actual breast, was a utility located under start – applications – utilities – "Baby to nipple interface connection management system".
Despite the marketing stating that it was easy to use (offering plug n play) the actual system was unreliable, and uncontrollable. Often, the milk failed to appear. If it did appear, then it was likely to be of an invalid milk type. Sometimes, the breast could not find the baby – even though the baby was obviously plugged in. Sometimes, milk would flow; then, for some unknown reason, it would stop. The only way to start the flow of milk again, was to perform a complete restart of the Woman XP.

As well as the many bugs inherent in Woman XP, hackers were able to write malicious code to affect Woman XP; bringing down household networks across the world. For example p_msBlaster.exe caused a variety of ills, while nag.script sent spam to everyone in the nearest yellow pages.

One thing Woman XP was good at, was games.

Despite the many problems with Woman XP, the market share forced Woman XP to become the dominant breast available commercially. Many professionals gained jobs through maintaining Woman XP, and they were therefore unlikely to advocate its replacement.

Despite her many problems, Woman XP here to stay.

Nokia: “Connecting people”

Unlike the traditional pc manufacturers, Nokia started with the vision of reaching a much wider user base with their technology. Thus, their marketing was focused not just on mothers and babies, but also included any other interested parties.

They incorporated many useful features, along with the standard breast functions. For instance, in a variation of phone based ‘SMS’, they sought to integrate “Instant messaging” into their breasts.

The IM service enabled the breast to communicate with any local parties who were within range. Nokia provided a variety of template messages that could be sent to users within their local social network.

For instance
• “So … would you like to buy me a drink?”; and
• “Is that a Nokia cell phone in your pocket … or are you just happy to see me …?”.

Along with the IM service, the Nokia breast also incorporated the following features:
• A flip top, which enabled speedy access to the breast if an urgent need arose.
• B9 – ‘Predictive Breast’ enabled the breast to ascertain what the baby was doing at the time, and adjust automatically.
• A low quality, tacky digital camera, to ensure that no special moments were missed.

There was one significant difference between Nokia’s breasts and those of the other competitors. Nokia had a large variety of breasts that could be selected; one size did not fit everyone.

Conclusion

At the conclusion of the competition, God asked for volunteers to perform usability testing. Unfortunately, the number of applicants for these positions was daunting, even to the one who truly understands the infinite universe.

So, instead, God asked for the babies of the world to perform the testing of the breasts.

Of Nokia, the babies commented on the problems associated with standardisation (there were far too many breasts to choose from) as well as the fact that the manufacturer had ignored the concerns of their main users (the babies) and the main uses (sucking milk). While feature packed, all the babies really wanted was something that performed the required function is a simple manner; Nokia had ignored this.

Of Woman XP, the babies laughed. When God asked them, politely, to at least provide a considered opinion on the usability of the product, the babies reluctantly began their testing. Generally, the babies became increasingly agitated as the testing continued. The resident psychologist expressed concern as to the longterm effects of continued use of Woman XP. The breast provided the babies with an extremely inconsistent interaction; frequent restarts were required, and little help was given to the baby – all causing extra stress.

In the end, testing was never completed due to the ill health inflicted on the babies.

Of Apple, the babies were the most complimentary. Unfortunately, along with cost, the babies were put off by the breast’s inability to work well with other manufacturers. For instance, other breast-related products (such as bra’s) that worked fine with normal breasts would no longer work with Apple’s specialist one-breast design.

In the end, the babies begrudgingly admitted that God had in fact designed the best product. In terms of usability, simplicity, cost and aesthetic design the natural breast became the best choice.

All of which leads to the conclusion, as has been stated:
"The tit is the most intuitive UI known to man".